My Kingdom..for a cup of coffee


I’m taking a stress test later today and the cardiologist asked (demanded, the jerk) that I drink no coffee during the 36 hours preceding the test. It is now hour # 30, and I am sitting here in my backyard, at the edge of hell.

The sun is irritatingly bright. The birds are screechy, the crickets are monotonous, and even my beloved dogs have turned on me, underfoot and demanding. I am having some major spiritual revelations, too:

re: The expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden because of disobedience. I’ve decided that coffee beans were piled there in abundance. Rich and shiny, golden brown gifts of God to begin each morning in Paradise. Out of the Garden, they would be forced to drink.. green tea.

re: The Buddha’s First Noble Truth, that Life is full of Suffering. Amen, Siddartha! But, then, what other conclusion could he have come to? He would never have had the opportunity to hold a grand latte, cupped warmly in his hands, as he breathed in the sweet aroma of South American mountainsides. Green tea would NOT have begun to satisfy that deep and basic human need.

Coffee elevates the human spirit! It helps us focus! It is an aromatic, erotic, exultant pathway to each new day! It is to be savored while having meditative thoughts and sipped while contemplatively aligning oneself with God.

That’s the first pot, anyway.

The rest of the day, it is to keep the headaches away that result from the bouncing around of empty spaces in the bloodstream and brain that a lack of caffeine are wont to cause.

You want to talk about stress, Doctor? ALL RIGHT, you practitioner of the healing arts! You’ve got my STRESS! I’m jittery, headachey, crabby, and feeling mean. I’m feeling mean enough to chew through the leather straps which seem to be squeezing my head right now tighter and tighter and….

Only 8 hours until I can go to Starbucks- which is 2.3 miles from the Doctor’s office..which means that at 5:10, 0r 5:11, I will be handing money to an 18 year old barrista, and begging her/him to give me back my life..

Postscript: 6 p.m. God’s in his heaven; all’s right with the world.  



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