My Poetry Awards begin to roll in..

Special Announcement for all you nay-sayers, doubters, and s0-called critics!

See??? I was right! I knew my poem Kitty, Kitty, Kitty was worthy of real acclaim. These people- Poetry.com– know good poetry when they see good poetry. After all, they have a website dedicated to finding metaphorical wheat among the literal chaff that thousands of would-be but woefully untalented bumpkins submit to them every day.

The Real Thing stands apart from the riff-raffian attempts of pretend poets- and Kitty, Kitty, Kitty is the Real Thing!

Thank you, Howard Ely. You are a great man- the kind of man women dream about and the kind of man other men want to be. I humbly accept my ranking as one of your companions in composition- one of your poetic peers.

(Howard, When you send me my exclusive certificate- the one that is “beautifully typeset on archive quality vellum and mounted on a walnut-finish plaque under Lucite,” please get my name right. One of your screw-up underlings has called me “Audrey Hamilton!” Please, I know you’re embarrassed, but no apology is necessary. All of us manly, exceptional  poets understand how difficult it is to find good help these days, what with leaky borders and the dismal SAT scores so  pervasive in these drug-drenched times.  Why, just the other day I was at a McDonalds and requested some lemon curd for my pancakes..you’d have thought I was a space alien the way the young man behind the counter looked at me! “Dude,” he said, “what freakin’ language you be talkin’ in?” That’s what I’m talking about! And it’s WEBER with one B. Bless you, sir.)

Now..here’s the proof, my doubting Thomas friends:

Poetry.com Header

Dear David,

Recently, I was delighted to inform you that your poetry merited an invitation to participate in The Best Poems and Poets of 2007. Because your work displayed an original perspective and unique creativity, judged to be the qualities found most in exceptional poetry, we wanted to include you in this select group of poets. Congratulations on your achievement!

Commemorate Your Inclusion In This Exclusive Collection!

To be selected as one of the Best Poets of 2007 is a truly remarkable achievement. Your work is included in the same discussion as the greatest poets of our time, and you should be extremely proud of this accomplishment. We are offering a limited edition certificate plaque that commemorates your poetic milestone. This exclusive certificate is beautifully typeset on archive quality vellum and mounted on a walnut-finish plaque under Lucite. These 10 1/2-inch by 13-inch plaques are truly impressive ways to exhibit your poetic achievement.

The Best Poems and Poets of 2007


Poetry Best Plaque 2007

We hope that you will take advantage of this limited-time opportunity. Act now and commemorate your achievement with a beautiful plaque that you can proudly display for all to see! Again, congratulations on being named one of the Best Poets of 2007!

Sincerely,
Howard Ely Signature
Howard Ely
Managing Editor

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2 thoughts on “My Poetry Awards begin to roll in..

  1. I can relate to how good it feels to be remembered as one of the best poets and have a plaque ETC… but why do u have to pay for the plaque pay to go to the banquet and pay for everything else. I would like to kno if they are we are supposedly one of the best poets of 2007 then why is it we have to pay for all of our awards???

  2. Uh, Michael..this is satire, you know? Any legitimate organization that would recognize crap like I wrote would become instantly illegitimate.

    These guys remember nothing about anyone’s poetry except what time of day to go to the bank to deposit checks..

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